Unless you’ve been living in a cave (mind you, that might be safer than the alternative) you have heard of the new TSA carry-on rules. Yes, folks, thanks to some wanker terrorists and their evil plot, liquids of pretty much any kind are verbotten in aircraft. Lotions, potions, even drinking water will get you an official TSA glove-love job. Never mind that air travel dehydrates you worse than binge drinking… and I suppose it’s asking too much that the airlines now provide potable water onboard?

What’s next to be outlawed, bodily fluids? “Sir, but we saw you browsing that issue of Stroke. Please evacuate your system before boarding.”

We all know where this is going, don’t we? So let’s cut to the chase: fluids don’t kill people, people kill people. Take the bloody people off planes and we’d all be fine! I don’t mean some silly racial profiling, either. I mean take all people off planes. Because if Little Johnny Jagoff doesn’t board the plane, his luggage and suicide agenda get left behind and commercial aviation is safe. He’ll have to settle for dreaming of smuggling explosives as fantasy wank material.

-and yes, I said “he.” Not “she,” not “he/she” or some other nonsense. Lady Martyrdom involves dating the fattish guy so her friend gets the hunk. Self-destruct requires pints of Ben & Jerry’s. (Heroin and ice cream: death by spoon.) Women will sacrafice their asses, then spend a week on a crash diet so they can live to die another day.

And what convinces the lads to go off and be suicide bombers, anyway? Women are involved somehow. “It’d be so sexy if you were to explode yourself. I’d ride you all night long when you got back.” C’mon, we all know at least one guy who would fall for it.
I reason it goes the other way, too. Commit suicide, that’s a Get Out Of Relationship Free card. It’s easier than those terrible break-up conversations — unless you totally puss out and do it by text message — and certainly less expensive than divorce.

Hmmm… Now there’s an idea…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 12th, 2006 at 21:36:46 and is filed under Rant. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.