Behold this gem from my inbox:

Subject: Bend her over like Beckham

Is that a tribute to his virility?

-or are they saying that Spice Girls bend over easily?

Boggles the mind.

From: Christ
Subject: Great popping cleavage

Yes, tits from heaven. -but aren’t they all?

What’s with those lay-deez who go through the trouble of shaving their eyebrows … just to paint on some new ones? (-and usually in some ridiculous b-movie fashion, to boot.)

Do these same women … ahem … mow the lawn only to draw it back in? That shit gives me nightmares. Just imagine the horror: you get going with some chick, only to find she’s sporting Potemkin Pusswa. -and what if some of the color rubs off …? The lads in the locker room will surely see you’ve been banging a Painted Shaver. Oh, the horror …

So, apparently some politician has a bee in his bung about the FBI’s no-fly watch list. His story? a person on the no-fly list can still buy a gun. Hell of a loophole, that.

Come again?

This is silly, even for an election year. So if I’m a risk to airplanes — based on some arbitrary, black-box data, mind you — I can’t buy a glock?

I thought losing one’s civil liberties required a jury trial. You know, judge, twelve peers, courtroom? “Innocent until proven guilty?” Any of that ring a bell? -or have we abolished that pesky jurisprudence in the name of national security? Worked in Russia… for a while.

(What will be our Siberia? I’ve always considered Georgia kind of a hell-hole. Ooh! or maybe one of the Dakotas!)

What’s next? Eventually the terror watch list will pass through the hands of potential employers, IKEA, and your local grocer: “Sorry, ma’am, this looks like the ingredients for a fruitcake. That’s food terror.”

I can see the slogan now: “Can’t fly? Can’t buy!”

Right. Let’s ask ourselves, when have terrorists ever used guns? They have used planes. They have used cars. They have used vests packed with dynamite. Never a firearm.

Terrorists frown on guns the same way academics frown on profanity: a sign that you’re not smart enough to express yourself. Guns are for hood-rats boosting the liquor store. Use bombs make a political statement. Don’t insult Achmed by calling him Demoin.

We have once again given The Terrorists(tm) reason to laugh. Thank you, politicians!

Signs it’s gonna be a good day, after all:

Waiting my turn in line,

the classic rock station pumping over the speakers,

and AC/DC’s belting out “Big Balls.”

I once experienced a similar feeling when, in a family-friendly restaurant, I heard (the uncut version of) Snoop Dogg’s “Gin and Juice.”

Ta-dao.

Ever seen those money markers? You know, the ones cashiers use to test whether you’re passing bollox bills as legal tender?

This morning, cashier-chick ran one across … my twenty.

You heard that right: she checked a Jackson.

A yuppie Food Stamp.

The smallest denomination that spews from an ATM.

On an $11 purchase.

Such investigative talent is wasted in retail! She should join the hunt for Osama.

One nagging question: What if I had paid with three fivers instead? Hmm…

Lads,

We have a new category: Nigga, Please!

It’s the home of all the shit so stupid, so unbelievable, that the only valid reaction is to exclaim, “Nigga, Please!” in frustration.

I was gonna call it “ODB Album Title” to keep the site clean but, hell, it’s already marked “NSFW”…