…why I don’t go to the gym as often as I should, look at these options! Which is less scary? The name of the earlier class or the name of the other class’s instructor?

Last call for passenger A. Hussein, Dragon Air flight 229…

FatMans recently enjoyed the rare occasion to spend a gift certificate at mid-scale kitchen-bit store Crate & Barrel, also known as the Williams Sonoma of malls in slightly crappier parts of town. But, some of the products he saw at this supposedly innocent houseware emporium shook him to the core:

Depending on who’s doing the rubbing (and where), this could be rather pleasant. Still, we would expect the Rub Away Bar from Ikea and those lusty Swedes, but good ol’ C ‘n B? That’s not very family values. Good thing Mass is already a gay-marriage state and therefore has not only lost but crushed under its wing-tipped heel any sort of moral compass…

More shocking Eurogarbage from a heartland company based in Northbrook, Ill. Although, who among us wouldn’t enjoy a nice Nordic White Spreader on a cold winter’s night? Maybe with a Rub Away Bar? As for the Lobster Cracker, that sounds like a pasty English yob who’s spent too much time in the sun at a footy match. Look for some Lobster Crackers at Euro 2008 this summer.

Well, now, this is just vile. Here we’ve just celebrated Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy, and we find C ‘n B selling a corkscrew that promotes segregation? Disgusting. We’ve already sent the e-mail to Al Sharpton. This just takes the concept of being racy way too far.

Most of us here at Bait ‘N Switch are geographically situated in an area that gets pretty fuckin’ cold in the winter time. From time to time, we even get substantial amounts of powdery white stuff on our doorsteps (and no, I’m not talking about coke).

In fact, you must wonder why anyone in their right mind would want to live in such meteorological conditions. At the end of the day, you just have to assume that these areas are filled with people who were born here, because no one would choose this shit.

Now, let’s analyze why their are so many crashes on our highways and local roads. I’m not the world’s smartest man, but I consider a glazed road surface or even snow-covered streets as major indicators that maybe, just maybe, that shit be slick.

So, what gives? Why haven’t others learned that you can’t drive 45 MPH on an iced surface simply because the posted speed limit is 35 MPH. The things I have seen in the past week would blow your mind: cars in farmers’ fields, a jackknifed semi on an off-ramp, northbound cars stopped in a southbound lane, etc.

Living in FlyOver, you could be forgiven for thinking that assholes were things that only exist in New York, Washington DC, or Los Angeles. Not so! Alas, even we have our fair share.

This Saturday night, I waited patiently outside a downtown eatery for the valet to get my car. As I waited in the arctic air, I felt someone poking me with a piece of paper. I turned to find some crusty bitch waving her valet ticket at me asking me to get her car.

Now, people who actually are car valets are almost certainly better human beings than this broad, so I don’t understand her perceived importance. I kindly pointed out that I was not the man for her, but she didn’t apologize…nor did she recognize the different between the valet logo NOT on my jacket and the huge North Face logo that was.

Knob.