Lads,

I recently overheard a statement that’s inspired a new entry in the rotating slogan bar:

don’t worry, there won’t be any dry-humping

That’s quite a promise! All Americans should express such a sentiment. Scores of teenagers waste time with an activity so close to the real thing that it’s a shame they don’t cross the finish line.

Everyone, everyone, let’s make dry-humping a thing of the past.

Seen in a caf:

A pot of soup, the label of which reads “bacon-cheddar” (or something like that).

On that same label, below the flavor: “vegetarian.”

Damn, I wish I’d had my camera…

New Bait’N'Switch HQ?

Summer is here, and for a lot of lads (read: lacking a lay-dee) thoughts of vacation romances turn to nature’s second runner-up: porn.

The internet has made buying porn flicks in stores a dying art. Which is why I often see people stumbling into or out of the local porn shop like they’re rank (”wank?”) amateurs. I’ve written up a brief guide to help those of you who decide to venture out for your material.

Don’t try to look too confident on the way in, nor on way out. At least, not if you’re going for that whole “discretion” idea. People can tell when you’re trying too hard. When they see the ever-confident swagger in a guy who looks like he still gets shoved into lockers, well, they know something’s up.

Don’t look like a kiddie-fiddler Dress like you at least have a chance at a date. Leave the bad jeans and ratty t-shirt at home. Lose the four-day-stubble-turned-goatee while you’re at it. -and, just in case this wasn’t obvious, no sweatpants.

Don’t spend too much time looking It’s not fine art, so it’s not like you have to play connisseur. Men are designed to get off on anything that moves back and forth; so just grab a movie and go. (Of course, do a brief skim of the box to make sure it doesn’t involve anything extreme, like farm animals or republicans.) Whatever you do, don’t ask the staff for recommendations.

fter a hearty curry meal?