Toll!

ich heisse super fantastische
ich trinke champers mis lachsfisch

—

wtf? Isn’t ‘lachsfisch’ salmon?

… and none of these are made up.

• Doo Yu Rong
• Dick Swett (a congressman)

Has any one received a visit from the security porpoises yet?

Perhaps it would be a wise idea to strap lasers to the security porpoises, à la Austin Powers?

Not much to say about the rugby this week. The Cocks got stuck into some hard action once again, but, as our opponent was short-handed and (en plus) didn’t have enough FatMans, I ended up playing for the opponent. (We had so many Cocks pop up for the match that we ended up lending no fewer than four players to the opposing team.) I got to play quite a bit, which was nice, but the team I was playing for had no replacements, whereas there were Cocks rotating in an out of action throughout the match. We were exhausted by the end of the match. The Cocks won fairly easily, which is nice, I guess. There were a lot of fights (none of them involving me), which is fairly rare in our little league, but which did lead to lot of unintentional comedy. Month-long break for the rugby now. The Cocks will rise to play again in mid-January, and the Japanese have a match coming up in February. In the meantime, I’ve got to work off some of the small amount of muscle I’ve built playing rugby by gorging myself on holiday foodstuffs. Well, gorging myself even more than usual, anyway. If that’s possible.

It’s getting to be that time of year, so it was no surprise to see the Mall Santas out in force. Why parents would pay good coin to prop their kid up on the lap of a stranger while a camera’s rolling, I don’t know. (Let’s be honest: change a couple of details and we’d have to call in the FBI.)

In addition to the price list and hours of operation, Santa’s sign included the following bullet points:

no limit on number of people in photo

no extra charge to sit on Santa’s lap

Riiiiiiight. Maybe I should call in the FBI anyway.

Overweight? Want a change? — Yes. -and no. So pass the pie, already!

Cosmopolitan Personals : Do you need someone to touch — Wasn’t that Jefferson Airplane? I hear Grace Slick beltin’ out this tune. -or perhaps Jim Carrey, in that scene from The Cable Guy.

Hey Stud — I almost thought this one was legit. The lady who sized me for my Craftmatic Adjustable Wang Harness mails me all the time.

Did you know? You can live and work in the USA! — You sure can, so long as you carry a blue passport.

Re: Criminal investigation . . — Crime? As in, the pathetic performance of the US dollar vs the Euro or GB Pound? I’m a’gettin’ pounded, that’s for damn sure. I may as well be wearing a cocktail dress in a prison yard.

Yes. You heard it here first.

I predict a riot.

I predict a hit.

Kaiser Chiefs. The niggaz everyone will be listening to by next May.