It’s been a while since I’ve posted any spam. It’s not for a lack of material. Nay, my spam filter is not unlike a sheepskin scabbard, if you know what I mean… but the bits that get through have been of poor quality. Stock scam this, horny teenagers that…

Some days, though, I get spam that makes me want to turn off the filter and feast heartily on what comes through. Today is one of those days.

And I quote:

“My dick is so big, it’s a tax write-off.”
“My dick is so big, it has a horizon.”
“My dick is so big, sometimes it jerks me off.”

Aye.

For a moment, there, I thought it was a message I had sent to meself.

I don’t share nearly enough of my spam these days. Maybe it’s cos there’s only so many jokes one can make about penis enlargement scams. -I mean, spams. Cos I’ve never tried one that went horribly awry. So you’ve no need to ask.

This one, though, caught my eye today:

Be fix of balls flightless

Flightless balls? Hopefully not when the rest of you is flying. Imagine the horror: you land at Heathrow (never Gatwick!), ready for some lady action, only to discover that you left the manliness back at home. Damn. A vacation without balls, that’s a vacation spent hanging out in tropical-themed bars sipping overpowered fruit drinks, bitching to your mates about window treatments.

Airlines sometimes ask me to put mine in with the checked baggage — they hardly fit in the overhead bins, ya dig? — but then they get “lost.” You see the co-pilot (always the co-pilot, hmmm) walking away with them. Gets a real sheepish grin on his face when he’s busted. “Oh, sorry, mate, I thought these was mine.”

Yeh, right.

Fucker.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted any spam findings. The US can-spam bill has proven so effective.

That said, I recently received a spam from — and I swear, I’m not making this up —

brownshaver

Really, now, people… when it comes to shavers, have I ever been one to discriminate? I enjoy shavers from all walks of life. As long as they walk into my bedroom.

This lad is not likely a hit with the lay-deez:

From: Cole Smallwood
Subject: proud

Makes your penis hard. Won’t make you handsome! — Then what’s the point? Any jackass can get an erection; sharing it with the hot lay-deez requires good looks and then some.

Last longer in bed — I could stand to sleep in a little, yeh

Don’t let age deter you from great sex! — “Lack of money” and “no good looks” trump “age” every time

Cialis: Anytime, Anywhere. Be Ready. — What is this, the boy scout pill?

Cure premature ejaculation — give it a “primer run”

indescribable fogging — your average fatmans after a grec or Taco Bell

As always, separating the wheat from the chaff… Here’s my favorite spam from the past week:

now I am a new man — sex changes work wonders

HATE condoms, but need to stay safe? — stay away from dem skank hos

Download bridget jones movie — having successfully avoided it in theatres and as an in-flight movie, I’ll be damned if I’m seeing it now!

the glittering golden box — oh no, pal. I swore off blondes a long time ago. Nothing but trouble. More maintenance than an old foreign car.

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before — “Babe, I’m going into porno!”

congratulations to subscribers who played our last winner — if they got played, they aren’t really winners

Reach 100,000 people every month. — only 100,000? Sounds like kind of a lame porn site.

1-4 extra inches makes a massive difference — I’ll say. Ever spent 9+ hours in coach?

This spam keeps getting more and more personal:

blowmydick@{domain deleted}
Hello motherfuckers! :)

Not quite as bad as this little gem from the past, but still bad…