Ever think meteorologists are just marketing dropouts who still managed to find work? Some of the terms they concoct to describe the weather are just laughable.

Last November they gave us “wintry mix” to describe a pairing of snow and freezing rain. Now spring is here and we get wintry mix’s softer, younger sibling: simultaneous appearance of light snow and drizzle is called snizzle.

Excuse me, but “snizzle?” It invokes thoughts of Gin and Juice. Is Snoop Dogg hedging his rap career by playing weatherman on the side?

“Fo shizzle, my nizzles, fiddy percent chance of da mad snizzle afta overnight. Yo yuppie asses best lay off da Tanqueray when you rollin’ yo SUVs to the organic food market. Peace.”

If there’s one thing we’ve always suspected, and the internet has proven, it’s that sexual fantasies are as varied as the human population. -and that, thanks to Google, it’s easy to find like-minded folk if you want others to join in. Animals, corporate offices, emo bands — you name it, and somewhere out there, someone is getting a pants-stain just thinking about it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude. I’ve had sex plenty of times, and at least once or twice with another person. But my fantasies are no match for some old dude playing Nazi-themed leather spanky games with five hookers.

(As Formula 1 cars lack back seats, I suppose this was the next best thing for him? Kudos to the tabloids for no “get your motor running” or “stick shift” jokes. )

Costumes? Foreign languages? Play-acting? Oh for fuck’s sake… How sad must your life be, when plain old Getting Your Freak On no longer satisfies… To do my part, I’m going to go watch some good old-fashioned guy-on-girl (on girl on guy on girl on girl on girl) porn and rejoice the simple things.

I love this town. Really, I do. Bright lights, big city, and all the wankers you could imagine:

1 - The morning rush: a bus full of yuppies, all imported from nearby small towns, consider themselves “dressed up” cos they’re wearing polo shirts and nice khakis.

Extra points cos the polo shirt is tucked in.

2 - A coffee shop: the young lady at the register rings up $2 and change for a (small) bottle of water… then has the nerve to ask me, “will that be all?”

I shouldn’t complain — it’s cheaper than gas. Wait, hold on, let me convert mL to gallons… wait, no, I think the water costs more.

3 - In a mall parking lot: a young couple leaves a restaurant and the lad struts like he’s Captain Big-Balls himself. Chest out and chin up. Playing sidewalk-chicken with people cos he’s not moving out of anyone’s way. Yes, quite proud that he has just treated his laydee to a fine meal at … Outback Steakhouse.

Ya wanna side ah testosterone wit tat, mate?

4 - In Target (Tar-zhay to the upper-crust among you): practically shouting into her mobile phone: “That is not true. THAT IS NOT TRUE. … I’m not trying to fucking argue with you. … Yeh, well I don’t really give a fuck what you believe about that shit!”

I take it, the price of tampons went up?

Anonymous twat, waiting with her friends to enter a local bar:

I’d rather he, like, not talk to me than not have sex with me.
I LIKE SEX.

To all the lusty lads who overheard this gem of a mating call:

It won’t last. Don’t fall for this line.

Top five reasons why Pittsburgh isn’t like where you live:

5. A guy was standing behind the guard rail on a very busy thoroughfare, waist high in weeds. At first I mistook him for a panhandler or a drifter, but upon further inspection noticed the sign right above him: BUS STOP.

4. Myspace bulletin from a high school friend with news that she is expecting was titled BABY ON BOARED.

3. I got a ticket for not moving my car for the bi-monthly street cleaning on my street. My heart sank, as my finances could die from exhaustion at any moment. Until I saw the ticket: $5.00.

2. I was unironically asked, “Haah you hannle all them traffic livin dahntahn?”  I live about six miles from the four-square-block area that is downtown Pittsburgh.

1. Office Boss #1 was joking with a client about said client having hit a deer with his new SUV. “Looks like you’ll have to get a minivan,” OB#1 jokes. “Doc, I ain’t a fag,” replied the patient, to thunderous laughter.

Overheard in a restaurant:

Woman: why do you do that?

Man: do what?

Woman: serve other people first. Why do you do that? Is that something your parents taught you?

Man: ..erm, yes…

Woman: Hm. My parents never taught me that.

A little advice for you, my friend:

no poon is worth that much.

Contrary to popular belief, she will not improve after the wedding.

In the spirit of those Budweiser “Real American Heros” adverts, let’s salut today’s wanker:

Picture it: Big city. Business district. Post-work rush hour.

A few minutes into his ride, a passenger walks to the front of the bus to berate the driver. “Are you having mechanical problems?! -or is there some reason we aren’t moving??”

(Note: being on this bus myself, and close to the legal definition of sober, your humble writer confirmed that the vehicle was indeed in motion.)

Captain Asshat returned to his seat and proceed to grumble, tap his foot, stare at his watch, and make short, pissy phonecalls the rest of the ride. More proof that a suit and tie bring class to the look, but not necessarily the wearer.

So, Mister Too Cheap To Take A Taxi, we salute you!